I thought i'd share something personal i went through when i was 18. It's a recount of the events i went through then and how it affects me today. It's partially venting, partially sharing to tell some people that they aren't alone in what they go through.
There are details of parental abuse and severe language. Peruse at your own risk.
There are details of parental abuse and severe language. Peruse at your own risk.
I used to live in a broken family with a single mother and a father who had remarried. Aside from my gender issues, I was mostly happy to be with my mother and siblings.
The problem laid in my dad’s wife.
She was a horrible woman, and i do mean horrible. You take too long brushing your hair, she would forcibly brush it and yell at you if you protested. You take two scoops of rice instead of one, she threw a temper tantrum and berated you. You forget to say thank you, she threatened to ‘kick your ass.’ To this day, i’m still astounded as to why he stayed with her in spite of her abusive behavior, although i conclude that it was mostly because of financial dependency.
Sometime after mom’s death, i went to stay with my dad and his wife (i refuse to call her my stepmother, because as far as i know, she was never my ‘mother’ to begin with.) Those six months were the worst months of my life. Keep in mind i was still emotionally scarred after my mom died and so i was prone to emotional breakdowns and outbursts.
The wife guilt tripped me a lot. She liked to remind me about how i told my father that he was wrong (when i was 8 years old…) and how i ‘used him as an atm machine’, among other things. I still see her looming around in my memories and how she called me a ‘psychopath’ when i broke down in the hospital after finding out my dad had cancer as well and was unhappy about being unable to at least see my sister, calling me ‘selfish’ and flipping the bird while i was crying. How she was taking away the ‘illusion’ of my freedom. How i didn’t ‘deserve shit’. Perhaps the most vivid was after she kicked me over a toilet and said that i was ‘being proud’ and that my pride ‘had to be kicked down a notch’. She told my dad that i ran into her foot and basically played the wounded gazelle gambit.
I hated every bit of it.
When i left that hellhole, it felt like being born again. I was free. But at the same time, i changed.
I couldn’t come out of my room or do anything. My thoughts were all frazzled. I saw the wife’s fat, ugly face everywhere i went. I could hear her voice in my head, playing her words over and over and over again. I developed a deep hatred of horses because that’s what i always saw her loving more than my dad; Her horses. She squandered so much of dad’s money on her horses (and yet was content to tell me that buying a bed to sleep in and a computer to study with was ‘wasting money’…) and spent so much time with them that i got the feeling that the only reason she was with dad in the first place was so she could suck him dry for her smelly, long faced pets.
Even now, it haunts me. I would be functioning well, handling funds and such… And then i end up arguing with someone that gets incredibly ugly and i get flashbacks to her. Her hateful words. Her threats if i tried standing up. Her constantly monitoring my computer activity with more threats that she would disable the internet if i said anything against her.
And then i start hiding out in my home. I can’t go out during normal hours in fear that people are thinking the same things she said. I feel judged. Hated. Alone.
It’s a bad way to live.
I’m pursuing mental help right now. I don’t think i’ll ever forget about how she treated me in her lackadaisical ‘care,’ but the least i can do is lessen the symptoms so i can actually function in society.
The problem laid in my dad’s wife.
She was a horrible woman, and i do mean horrible. You take too long brushing your hair, she would forcibly brush it and yell at you if you protested. You take two scoops of rice instead of one, she threw a temper tantrum and berated you. You forget to say thank you, she threatened to ‘kick your ass.’ To this day, i’m still astounded as to why he stayed with her in spite of her abusive behavior, although i conclude that it was mostly because of financial dependency.
Sometime after mom’s death, i went to stay with my dad and his wife (i refuse to call her my stepmother, because as far as i know, she was never my ‘mother’ to begin with.) Those six months were the worst months of my life. Keep in mind i was still emotionally scarred after my mom died and so i was prone to emotional breakdowns and outbursts.
The wife guilt tripped me a lot. She liked to remind me about how i told my father that he was wrong (when i was 8 years old…) and how i ‘used him as an atm machine’, among other things. I still see her looming around in my memories and how she called me a ‘psychopath’ when i broke down in the hospital after finding out my dad had cancer as well and was unhappy about being unable to at least see my sister, calling me ‘selfish’ and flipping the bird while i was crying. How she was taking away the ‘illusion’ of my freedom. How i didn’t ‘deserve shit’. Perhaps the most vivid was after she kicked me over a toilet and said that i was ‘being proud’ and that my pride ‘had to be kicked down a notch’. She told my dad that i ran into her foot and basically played the wounded gazelle gambit.
I hated every bit of it.
When i left that hellhole, it felt like being born again. I was free. But at the same time, i changed.
I couldn’t come out of my room or do anything. My thoughts were all frazzled. I saw the wife’s fat, ugly face everywhere i went. I could hear her voice in my head, playing her words over and over and over again. I developed a deep hatred of horses because that’s what i always saw her loving more than my dad; Her horses. She squandered so much of dad’s money on her horses (and yet was content to tell me that buying a bed to sleep in and a computer to study with was ‘wasting money’…) and spent so much time with them that i got the feeling that the only reason she was with dad in the first place was so she could suck him dry for her smelly, long faced pets.
Even now, it haunts me. I would be functioning well, handling funds and such… And then i end up arguing with someone that gets incredibly ugly and i get flashbacks to her. Her hateful words. Her threats if i tried standing up. Her constantly monitoring my computer activity with more threats that she would disable the internet if i said anything against her.
And then i start hiding out in my home. I can’t go out during normal hours in fear that people are thinking the same things she said. I feel judged. Hated. Alone.
It’s a bad way to live.
I’m pursuing mental help right now. I don’t think i’ll ever forget about how she treated me in her lackadaisical ‘care,’ but the least i can do is lessen the symptoms so i can actually function in society.
